Watch the black smoke fly to heaven, See the red flame light the sky

BYE-BYE!

Read Elton John’s lyrics and think about it:

You tell me there’s an angel in your tree
Did he say he’d come to call on me
For things are getting desperate in our home
Living in the parish of the restless folks I know

Everybody now bring your family down to the riverside
Look to the east to see where the fat stock hide
Behind four walls of stone the rich man sleeps
It’s time we put the flame torch to their keep

Burn down the mission
If we’re gonna stay alive
Watch the black smoke fly to heaven
See the red flame light the sky

Burn down the mission
Burn it down to stay alive
It’s our only chance of living
Take all you need to live inside

Deep in the woods the squirrels are out today
My wife cried when they came to take me away
But what more could I do just to keep her warm
Than burn burn burn burn down the mission walls

LET’S PLAY DRESS UP

No, I’m not going weird on you all.

As Pete noticed, (see the comments on the previous piece) there was little but eye candy in the last entry.  I wanted to see what effect a little T&A would have on traffic.  Like Pete, a lot of you are also “NOT GAY” (as if liking to look at half-naked chicks is an exclusively hetero activity.  Who the hell do you think designed most of the lingerie you’re looking at not-gay-boy?) and I’m gratified to see a corresponding rise in traffic.  (Pun only partially intended.)

Starting tomorrow, I’m going to start the

Match the Girl to the Gun

 feature. 

Readers will have a chance to pick their favorite marker – and a girl to go along with it. 

In fact, they can send in their own pics of their favorite guns or their favorite girls, or both and I’ll put them up.  Bonus points for pics of girls holding guns.   (Gun makers – feel free to abuse the free advertising.  Girls – feel free.)

And Pete?  This does serve a paintball purpose.  What with all the metrosexuality going on in the game these days, I think its important for players to remember that there is a difference between man clothes and lingerie, regardless of whether they’re looking at it or wearing it themselves…

Update

Ok.  So last week I was Dale Ford and today I’m Steve Davidson.  LoL.

Next week I’ll be Hillary Clinton and I just can’t wait to see who I’ll be come February.

(Banning a commentor has apparently pissed him off enough to go and post the above on Automags.Org.  I guess some people don’t have anything better to do.)

Now back to our regularly scheduled show.

The Rapist and the Enabler

“The time has come,” the TB said,
“To talk of many things:
Of games–and sex–and politics–
Of legal fights–of thieves who would be kings–
And why the players are caring not–
And whether Billy will buy things.”

The Walrus and the Carpenter, loosely adapted from the original by Lewis Carroll (from Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There, 1872)

TB Wright has a forum/blog on the web and I’ve been waiting for the right opportunity to mention it and direct people there.  He’s recently started posting again so I’ve taken the opportunity to do so.

His most recent post is a follow on to the discussion of the future fate of MXS Scenario games.  A recap for those who might not be familiar with the whole story:

An anonymous letter found its way to many of the companies and individuals involved in one fashion or another with MXS Scenario games company that made the claim that Patrick McKinnon – Pacman – of that company (and well-known scenario gamer) had been accused and convicted of rape a number of years ago in Texas.  The letter supposedly contained enough verifying information (court transcripts, social security numbers, etc) to lend credence to the claim.

The motivation for the letter being sent seem to be various gripes concerning the business practices of the MXS company, or a partner in the company being jipped out of his share and/or current accusations that other women have been bothered or abused by Patrick while attending various MXS events. 

TB – who is self-confessingly not happy with MXS – claims to have taken up the cause of the aforementioned (supposedly victimized) women, because reportedly none of them are willing to come forward with public accusations.

(This story caused no small degree of issues at 68Caliber headquarters.  It was one of those things that cause major discussion over journalistic integrity – even down to the level of “when is a new story actually a news story?”.  68Caliber’s attorney offered the opinion that the rape conviction was ‘old news’ and therefore not worthy of coverage, which position everyone apparently agreed with.  On the other hand, editorializing on the subject was within bounds.  As a result of writing an editorial on the subject, 68Caliber was accused of being the source of the anonymous letters.  This was of course false and anyone looking at 68Caliber’s track record would immediately know that ‘68 don’t play that way’.)

Nevertheless, the entire incident caused a major brouhaha – especially in the scenario world.  Many of MXS’s competitors were quitely pleased with the “hit” MXS was taking (the company is apparently notorious for behind-the-scenes competitive nastiness), as would be expected many MXS fans loudly protested and “Mother” Howe attempted to gain control of the spin by issuing a public letter (while interestingly barring anyone from reproducing it…) and by shutting down the MXS forum accounts of those who were questioning the situation.

The one claim made by Howe that strains all credibility was that she would be continuing to operate MXS sans Patrick.  Excuse me.  That’s like Hillary saying she had absolutely no input on Bill’s Presidential decisions (quick real-politiks aside:  she’s now – Hillary – apparently claiming that she was involved in every last one of his decisions – including his selection of cigars, which is like Howe saying that Patrick didn’t really do anything except stand around at the games and look pretty.  Funny how close analogies can be…)

The issue died down somewhat over the past several months, but has now gotten itself back onto the radar screen.  Seems that Billy Smith of Low Country paintball is considering purchasing MXS – which will put money into Dianne’s and Patricks hands (well, maybe just an allowance into Patricks hands) and is, in this blogger’s opinion, a mistake.

The BIG mistake was made by the company’s sponsors in not running away – far away – the minute that the accusations turned out to be real.  If one runs to hysterical interpretations, sponsoring a company owned and operated by a convicted rapist is tantamount to endorsing the crime and, if the forums and commentary are anything to go by, there’s a sizeable chunk of the scenario game crowd that DOES view it that way.

Billy – you’ve got enough issues to deal with without having to buy into owning a company that’s got MXS’s history.  If you’re buying the company to bury it – great, but PLEASE do yourself a favor and bury it PUBLICLY.  Otherwise, buy their mailing list for no more than 5 cents a name and walk away.

And if you (not you Billy, I’m done with you for now) if you, the collective paintball people, want to find out more about this, visit TB’s website at www.worldoftb.com. 

WHEN IS HIRING AN ALL NIGHT HOOKER LIKE PLAYING PAINTBALL?

You know – enough with the paintball history.  Its obvious that most are going to ignore it and the folks who bother to comment (most anyways) are so hung up on making their version of the past a reality that you can’t see the forest for the bullshit.

So.  I’ve decided to take the blog in a new direction.

From now on I’m going to concentrate on what’s happening today, this week and the future.  But I do need to tie up a few loose ends.

PSP:  They’re fucked.  Just like all tournament ball is fucked.  Here’s the straight poop:  If your team isn’t in with the ‘network’, you’re NOTHING except a ready source of cash.  No one sees you, or your team’s potential, they’ll never recognize your talent and you’re not going to be standing next to Ollie Lang in the penalty box.  You’re going to spend money you can ill-afford, you’re going to get bad calls, you’ll never get to win your arguments with the refs, you’ll get 15 total minutes of actual play time and end up with a little number posted next to your standings on the web – and that little bit of meaningless fame is going to cost you several THOUSAND dollars.  For NOTHING.

Have you ever really looked at the cost of your ill-considered tournament ball career?  Games are scheduled for five minutes these days.  Most last all of two.  Assuming you stay on the field for the entire length of every game and make it all the way through to the finals, you’ll have been on the field for 60 minutes.  For which you paid between $1000 and $5000 in entry fee alone.   That’s a minimum of $16 per minute – or three dollars per player per minute.

A $1000-a-night-hooker doesn’t even cost that much on a minute by minute basis.  Think about that.  Busting your nuts with a professional GIRL costs LESS than busting your balls in some cow pasture in Florida.  You don’t have to wear funny clothes – unless that’s your thing (and truth to tell the hooker might up her fee a bit if that’s the case), there’s no ref telling you what you can or can’t do, there’s no one else in there screwing around with your good time (unless you count the midget – but he costs extra too) and the electronics rarely, if ever, break down.  But no, you’d rather screw around with a bunch of guys and get ripped off in the process.  (Last time I checked, and it was merely for academic purposes, male prostitutes charge less than women but trannies cost more.  Go figure.  The point being that if you swing that way – which is a closer analogy to paintball than hiring a girl – the cost disparity is even greater.  What the heck – hire five guys and it will be just like stepping onto the field…)

There are two reasons that PSP has adopted its new ROF limit.  First and foremost is the fact that they’re now closer to the mandatory standards that will shield them from many liability issues.  They didn’t do this because they wanted to, they did it because they had to.  The second reason is because they’ve gone way overboard on the cost of play.  Teams just can’t afford to shoot the volumes at both events AND practice that are necessary to be even marginally competitive.  Its a sop to the economics prevailing today and has little or nothing to do with making the game more competive.  If they really wanted to address the issue, they’d go back to pump guns and/or gravity feed only hoppers.  Either or both of those would really bring the tactics back into the game. (Of course, tactical play is not the point of paintball tournaments.  Shooting paint is the point.) But then they’d run into the problem with the paint manufacturers.  Too little paint getting shot and the major sponsors will stop ponying up the little bit of support they’re actually providing. 

I’m not even going to start discussing ’sponsorship’, except to say that if you have to pay even a single thin dime for the support you’re receiving, its a lie to call it sponsorship.

Next posting, I’ll start with the new tack on things.  I’m going to take a look at cheaters (if you know of any, let me know and I’ll write all about it) and bad business practices – like the folks who pass bad checks and then hide behind their professional player status to get away with it.

I’m sorry. I just couldn’t resist.

I found this on Ebay today.

The ad copy said (among other things): ”Very few men like the feeling of teeth on their penis. Teeth can cause discomfort, cuts, and scratches to the skin if you are not careful.”

Umm. Okay.  

You, or someone you’re sharing a bed with, puts this thing in their mouth like they’re getting ready to play football.  Then you break out all the other optional equipment.

CONFESSIONS OF A PAINTBALL MANUFACTURER

Dale Ford, the Editor-in-Chief of 68Caliber.com, the internet news publication that occassionally prints my editorial scribblings, has asked me for a declaritive statement regarding the relationship of my identity and his identity.

Here it is:  If asked under oath in a court of law, I would have to admit that I am NOT Dale Ford.  Stating otherwise would be perjury on my part.

The foregoing interruption of our regularly scheduled paintball screed was prompted by an email Dale received from one of the scions of the paintball industry who is obviously not too happy with some of the things I said in my earlier blog.  I conclude this from Dale’s insistence that I make the above statement. 

Not being privy to the rantings and ravings (constantly inhaling PEG probably affects the mental processes) I’m at a loss as to how to respond to what Dale described as “facts that refuted (my) statements”.

Refute away oh mighty king of gelatinous substances.  Thanks for reading, btw and forgive me for pointing out the obvious, but there is a comment button down at the bottom of the page.  If you want to take me to task, please, PLEASE to so – but don’t hide behind the great and hairy one over at 68Caliber.  Come on over here.  We’re waiting.

 Provocative title, huh?  No, I’m not a paintball manufacturer – nor have I ever been, but I’ve visited numerous facilities and have been right next to the manufacturing process , not to mention other aspects of the “drug dealer” side of the industry.

***

When I started to write this entry I had in mind passing along all of the questionable business practices that I’ve witnessed over the years.  Things like putting cheap paint into expensive paint boxes, fobbing excess oil off as a ’good thing’, leaving the deodorizer out of the mix (less expensive, much smellier ball), shipping the old, unmovable inventory to major events and selling it to a captive audience at premium prices, that kind of thing.

But then I started thinking about the apparent disconnect between the paint manufacturer’s stated marketing claims and their manufactured designs, and I decided it was much more important to share these observations. 

Back in the day before we knew any better, paint was BIG and HEAVY.  If my opponent was behind a bush, I could use a few rounds to cut branches and leaves out of the way, digging a tunnel through the bush in order to get that elimination.  Try that these days and you end up with an interestingly colored bush.

This is partially because the IPPA began setting safety standards, many of which were adopted by the current standards setting organization, the ASTM.  One of the things they determined was that both the weight of the ball and the maximum velocity it could be shot at needed to have limits in order to insure a safe game.

Using physics, they ultimately determined that the maximum weight should be 3.4 grams and that the maximum velocity should be 300 feet per second. 

Here’s an airsoft site that offers a calculator for determining the ‘foot/pounds’ of a paintball impact.  http://www.pyramydair.com/site/articles/formulas/ Ft/lbs is a measure of force and is essentially how many pounds of pressure are exerted over a one square foot area by a given object at rest or by an applied force.  The calculator uses grains as a measure of weight rather than grams, so here’s a grams-to-grains conversion site: http://www.metric-conversions.org/cgi-bin/util/convert.cgi

The maximum “legal” weight for paintballs is 3.4 grams, which works out to 52.4699 grains.  Let’s plug that and 300 fps into the calculator – it comes to 10.49 ft/lbs.

Just for fun:  plug the same weight in at 240 fps. This is a typical nighttime velocity limit at many scenario games: that yeilds 6.7 ft/lbs, almost a 40% reduction in force. 

 Now try a ball that weighs say, 2.8 grams at 300 fps and you get: 8.64 ft/lbs…

and once again, that lighter ball shot at 240 fps: 5.53 ft/lbs

Here’s those numbers together for easier comparison:

3.4 grams @ 300 fps = 10.49

2.8 grams @ 300 fps = 8.64

3.4 grams @ 240 fps = 6.7

2.8 grams @ 240 fps = 5.53

Pretty dramatic difference.  That night time player with the light weight balls might as well stay in his tent.

It is a truism of physics that if you accelerate two objects of different masses at the same rate, the massier (heavier) object will travel further.  There’s more energy in the system because you had to impart more energy to accelerate the massier object.

Consider that for a moment in light of the energy-at-impact information provided earlier.  The heavier paintball is going to have a better chance at breaking AND the heavier paintball is going to travel further (under a given impulse) than a lighter ball.  More potential breaks over a greater distance.

If that’s the case – then why have paintballs been getting smaller and lighter with every passing season?  Especially in the face of all of the advertising claims to the contrary?  Better range, better accuracy.  Not in the physics lab.

The answer is PROFIT.

While promising you better range, better accuracy and better breakability, the companies are actually making a product that stands less of a chance of breaking, can’t travel as far under present velocity limits and, due to other contributing physical factors, won’t be as accurate.  (A massier object is less subject to wind resistance and less influenced by drag effects.)

Pretend for a moment that you are a paintball manufacturer.  (Porsche in the driveway and a Hummer in the garage, regular three month European vacations, tens of thousands of sycophantic worshipers throwing themselves bodily across puddles so that your Bruno Mali  shoes will not get muddy.)

Now pretend you are a paintball manufacturer pretending to be a balance scale.  Hold both hands up at chest height, palms up.  Let’s watch what happens as we try and balance profit against customer satisfaction.  Let’s put some profit on one scale.  A quarter ought to do.  See how your hand starts to dip down under the quarter’s weight?  Now, before things get out of hand, let’s drop some customer happiness into the other hand. 

Hmmm.  It doesn’t seem to have any effect.  The hand with the quarter is continuing to dip lower and lower.  No matter how much intangible customer satisfaction crap we drop into the other hand, profit still out-balances it.  Even a quarter of profit completely emasculates (that’s “chops the testicals off of” for vocabularly challenged folks) any pro customer arguments the manufacturers make. 

Now take your mind off of that under-age paintball groupie.  You’re not really a paintball manufacturer, only pretending to be one.  You might want to think about taking a shower instead…  

This is NOT an isolated phenomena.  Let’s take commercial field paint as an example.  The stated (marketing) purpose of commercial fields is to help grow the sport.  Give newbies a positive paintball experience and before you know it they’re idiotically spending every moldy penny they can pull out of the couch cushions. 

So then how come most (if not all) field paint is designed to bounce?

We know that bouncers typically hurt more on impact than breakers do.  This is because some of those foot pounds we mentioned earlier are dispersed during the act of breaking, reducing the amount of energy imparted to the target.

This is not circumstantial;  paint companies work very hard to make their field paint with as thick a shell as possible.  They advertise this quality to their field owner customers under the guise of ‘fewer breaks in the barrel and therefore less time doing maintenance’.

Under their breaths, they point out to the field owner that in terms of profit, bouncers are a good thing.  If only one shot in three, or four, or five results in an elimination, the field owners’ paint sales will go up proportionately.  We don’t count bouncers, only breaks.  The player that wants to win is going to keep on shooting at his target until he gets a break.

But is this really a good thing?  The result is that we’re physically punishing our (potential) new customer base.  The very people we’re trying to convince of the greatness and fun of paintball are experiencing pain deliberately inflicted by the paint manufacturers and field owners working in concert with them.  (I don’t want to indict all field owners with that statement.  Some of them are just clueless.)

How many new activities would you be inclined to try if the price of admission was a punch in the snoot from the very person taking your money?  (I know at least some of you would seek it out eagerly – see my piece on BDSM & paintball below.)  If the initiation for skydiving was getting dropped ten feet face first onto a concrete tarmac –  before you even got in the plane - there would be fewer skydivers every year.  If qualifying for a driver’s license meant that you had to first be involved in a high speed front-end collision, most people would be taking the bus.

We’re doing the same thing to our newbies.  Clever marketing, even down to the guerilla level (if you can’t take the pain, you’re not a real paintballer) gets people to ignore common sense and buy into the hype.  But if you think about it for even half a second, you’ll realize that at some point the uncomfortable realities of physics can no longer be ignored.  A lighter ball may be better for the manufacturers’ profit (less material, less cost) – but there is no way to make the claim that it has better range and accuracy.  A thicker shelled ball may be better for a manufactuer’s or field owners’ profit, but there is no way to change the fact that this results in more pain and injury on the field, no matter how much you want to believe that its because rental guns are hard on paintballs.

You can believe in the fantasies.  Most do.  Or, you can take a look at the reality, which is that the paint manufacturers have clearly put their profit way ahead of customer satisfaction, and have amply demonstrated that fact through the characteristics of the very products that they make.  The old expression goes something like ‘make a wish in one hand and take a crap in the other and see which one fills up first’.  In this case, its the marketing claims that are the crap.

MADE IN AMERICA

Paintball, I am happy and proud to say, is an American invention.  A wholly American invention.

I won’t go into the ramifications of the fact that ‘only in America’ do we invent games that involve simulated shooting and death (sorry.  Purists among you will by now be screaming ‘its only a game!’) because that’s not my focus today.  (Maybe next week I’ll pick up that mantle and see how far I can run with it…)

Three guys, living in the New England Region, the birthplace of our nation, excercised their Constitutionally Granted Rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness (with pursuit probably being the most important element in this particular story), lived the American dream, made themselves wealthy and famous in a variety of fields and pursuits and then, simply on a whim, invented the greatest of all American pasttimes – paintball.

You know the phrase:  Where else but in America?  Right?  I mean, these guys made their pot in the fairytale, rags-to-riches kind of story we only see in movies.  And THEN they went on to invent paintball.

Do you you think those guys had any clue back in 1981 that their Made-In-America game would be almost entirely manufactured overseas?

I doubt it.  If my age-addled brain remembers correctly, that’s just about the time we were getting all upset over Japanese ownership of American companies, trying to protect the car companies from imports and wondering if there was going to be anything American-owned left in the country.

In fact one of the biggest marketing tools the original manufacturers used back then was to proudly stamp, laser engrave or sew “MADE IN AMERICA” directly onto their products.

You don’t see too much of that anymore these days, do you?

I’m betting that most of you can guess why.  For the slow amongst you its because “HARDLY ANYTHING YOU BUY THESE DAYS IS MADE IN THE USA”

I ran into this issue several years ago when I was still working in the industry.  I and my colleagues became aware that there were an awful lot of cheap, crappy, easily broken, no visible means of support, fly-by-night, here today, gone tomorrow so-called product flooding the market from overseas.

Well, big deal, we thought, American Made puts all this crap to shame and anyone with half a brain and one good eye can tell the difference.

We were right about that.  They can tell the difference.  The problem was they had an overseas budget, not an American Made one.  We got a ton of emails from people saying ‘gee, I wish I could afford your American Made stuff, but I can’t, so I bought a piece of crap. Sorry’.

Well, ok.  We’re still in business and when those kids get real jobs, they’ll remember that they really wanted our stuff.

And they did.  They flooded the market with requests for Made in America stuff and the manufacturers and distributors stepped up and met their demands.

Or so we were led to believe.

There are Federal laws that govern what can and what can’t have a label saying ‘Made in America’.  Those laws are pretty shaky – and pretty damn piss poor if you ask me.  I’m not going to bother re-reading the requirements, so forgive me if I’m a bit off on the numbers (government regulations are pretty dry stuff), but it works out to something like “if 70% of the components are made in the US, or if you assemble the product in the US, you can put a ‘made in usa’ sticker on it”

Say What?  I can buy all of the components overseas (providing gainful employment to thousands of orphans, widows and children)  and if I sit in my garage and attach the grip frame to the body, I can say it was made in America.

Its a little known secret, but some paintball manufacturers have unilaterally decided that PLACING THE PRODUCT IN THE BOX constitutes “assembly”.  I can’t think of anything that comes closer to outright fraud, but given the fact that the people engaged in such gray-area activity have been doing so for years (and to the tune of hundreds of millions of dollars in product sales), its obviously ok with our government.

I can’t think of a single major manufacturer or distributor serving the industry that isn’t guilty of at least placing non-American Made parts into their American Made product;  that is if the whole damn thing isn’t made overseas.

Go take a look.  Think that Smart Parts Ions are all American Made?  How about Tippmann Model 98s?  Brass Eagle Markers?  WORR Games cockers?

You may be playing an American Made Sport, but you aren’t doing it with American Made Goods.  If that doesn’t bother you, chances are you’re getting an allowance from Mommy and Daddy.  When you grow up you’ll understand a lot better why outsourcing and letting foreign countries suck up all of our manufacturing capability isn’t a good thing.  When your allowance dries up because Mom and Dad need to make the mortgage payment, you’ll have some direct experience of why its not such a good idea to send all of your paintball money overseas. 

MORE 50′S PAINTBALL

Ever since some readers said that I was ’stupid’ or ‘had too much time on my hands’ when I brought the possible existence of people playing paintball back in the 50s, I’ve re-doubled my research efforts.

I have found some very interesting teasers.  There is apparently much more to this than I had originally thought.  It seems that this is all tied in somehow with flying saucers and government cover ups.

I offer the following image of a 50s paintball gun – with a red paintball just exiting the barrel – as additional proof.

I’m really looking into this deeper and should have some more interesing images and information soon.

That’s Just Not Right…

Like everyone else I occassionally visit search engines out of sheer boredom.  You all know the drill:  stare at the text window until some strange, bizarre or completely unbelievable thing pops into your head (like for instance ‘necrophiliac beastiality’) type it in and take a tour.

I was doing that this afternoon.  I honestly don’t remember the search term I used, but it most definately was not something that you would think would lead to this:

I went to the website listed on the image and found a site that has several other action figure mashups (Darth Vader as a Slave Girl, Harry Potter in a very fetching knee-length skirt…) .  The site is also very gay themed, so if you have issues with your masculinity, I suggest you stay away.

Its pretty obvious from the subject matter that someone likes to pull the heads off of dolls.  Considering what I know about paintballers, that little bit of implied violence was just enough to justify putting this into a paintball blog.